Lay your hands upon my bleeding heart. Gently feel the pain, please make it stop.

Nov 12th 2011, Hong Kong.

I am writing this post in my hotel room in Hong Kong. I am here for the next few days for one of my work trips. Last Saturday was my company D&D and I took special care to doll up for the occasion, hoping that he would notice me. I guess that was a mistake on my part. I guess I cannot control how he feels about me.

I am not quite sure how I feel right now. Numb, I guess. I cannot remember what actually happened. My memories are hazy. I only remember leaving his apartment on Sunday, in tears, and it was raining heavily. I got into my car and sat there, crying and screaming. I guess I was stupid enough to try again and again, thinking it might turn out different this time. I cannot remember how long I sat there crying. I texted everyone who knew about it. I couldn't drive cause I was afraid that I might just lose it and smash myself into a bus or something. Somehow, in between crying and texting, I managed to drive home. I had to get home because I was flying out to Hong Kong that might.

It actually hurt a lot. I don't think that it was his fault. I guess I have myself to blame for this because I should have listen to my guts and stop it one month ago. I was the one who gave him an opportunity to hurt me. I let my guard down and believed that this might be different. But it wasn't.

As I sat on the plane, I felt like crying again but I stopped myself. Too public. I cannot let people see me like this. I replayed what happened over the past 3 months over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong, what did I do.

It hurts.

A song popped in my head - "Lay your hands upon my bleeding heart. Gently feel the pain, please make it stop." Yes, that was what I needed.

Please make it stop.

I just want to stop feeling again. I took a chance but I crashed and burnt. I don't think I can survive another heartache again. I've deleted him from Facebook and on my mobile so that I can't text him or see his Facebook updates anymore. I cannot see him anymore. I've asked the IT guys to return his Christmas presents because I cannot bear going back to work to see the cup on my table. I just cannot deal with it.

It is not good for me.

I didn't go out for dinner tonight with the rest. Instead, I went across the hotel, bought a pack of cigarettes, a can of beer and some chocolates. I'm not a person who usually smokes or drink. But, whenever, I feel really sad, I just do it so that I can stop thinking. I took a long walk around the hotel, just randomly walking before sitting down at one of the open spaces. I lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. I chocked. The smoke stung my eyes. I stared into the nightsky, admiring the pretty lights on the buildings. I felt like crying again. I was cold. I kept thinking if you are thinking of me. I guess I should not be thinking of you anymore but you are always the first person that I thought of.

I sat there and smoked. The smell and the warmth of the cigarettes surrounded me. I was just numb. I just didn't want to be me tonight. Maybe that was what's wrong.

Me.

I know that when I get back, he would have gone home for holidays. I know it would be tough. I just need some time to get over it. I wish he will miss me because I know I will miss him. But I will try to stop myself because that is what I have to do.

I hope I have the strength to do it.

Happy Holidays,
M