Crazy. Stupid. Love

It's 12.28pm and I can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's because I've taken one too many pandols or maybe I'm being neurotic again.

I think I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I'm actually seeing someone right now. After 1.5 years of being single (i was so close to reaching nun-hood), I accidentally hooked up with someone during an overseas trip, which then became a downward spiral of self-doubt, pity and borderline craziness.

I must first put in a declaration that this was totally unplanned. I had no idea what the fuck got into me. There were oh-so-fucking many red flags that it's not even funny. Firstly, he's a guy from work. I know the "Don't shit in the place that you eat" phrase. Trust me, I am FULLY AWARE. Secondly, he's not Chinese. I'm not being racist here but it just that I've never dated anyone who is from another country. Thirdly, he's younger than me. Yes, I know that 1 year and 1 week may not be that much of a difference. I'm just saying.

Moreover, he admits that he's not been a relationship / dated a girl for more than 3 months (there was one girl that he dated for 7 months but that was only because she was living in another city.)

The logical and sensible side of me tells me to start running away right now! We are close to the 3 months mark now that I feel that I should start expecting him to bail anytime soon. In a couple of weeks. My friend asked me why am I being so pessimistic, to which, I insist that I am not. I just like to be mentally prepared for his exit. The last thing I want to do is to get my hopes up and set myself up for major disappointment. (Even though, there's a tiny little part of me that secretly hopes that it could turn out differently.) 我们都希望这个他不一样.

At this point in my life, I'm really not sure if I can handle another heart ache. Maybe I should just start counting down to the 3 months mark. It's easier if I know that there's an end date.

Expiration dating.

I hate myself for being in this situation. I should have listened to myself before it was too late. I think I've reached a point of not being able to let go as easily as I like and not being able to confront him about what he really wants from at this. My guess is that he's not sure what he wants. He just wants to see how things goes. He prob likes me enough to want to see me but he sees no point in committing to it.

My thoughts right this second? This is fucking me up. It's not good for me. Despite how good he makes me feel, I know I'm just going to hit the ground harder in the end.

Oh my god. I have to end this madness.

Then again, I may change my mind the second I see him in the morning. Pray that I have the strength to resist this crazy, stupid thing called Love.