烟花易冷

I guess it would not come as a surprise to say that we sort of ended things tonight. Well, sort of because we technically still have 11 days together. Why 11 days? Because its the 2 months anniversary of the first time we hooked up in Bangkok.

To be honest, I cannot say that I am surprised by it. We were lying in bed and he started the conversation by asking me "are we friends?". I have dated enough guys to know where this conversation will lead to even without him carrying on. So I took a deep breath and said yes we are, and nothing more. He went on to say how I am the nicest and kindest person he knows and he really looks up to me... Blah blah blah.. At this point, I wasnt even listening because I know that nothing that he said would make things better. It really doesn't help. I wish he would have done it via text or email. At least I don't have to listen to him trying to say things that make me feel better.

Really, nothing will help the situation.

We lay there for a while. I didn't cry. My heart ached but I didn't cry. The one thing that I am very good at is to pretend that it doesn't hurt and that I'm okay. I'm so good at it, sometimes I scare myself.

All the time on his bed, I just wanted to stop feeling. He kept hugging me and kissing me. I asked him to stop, in a joking manner, so that he wouldn't suspect that my heart was close to breaking. He kept saying things that was supposed to make me feel loved but deep down, I no longer want to believe it. There was no point. He asked me if he could see me again. I replied "Are you dying? Or am I dying? Of course you will see me again." I put on my brightest smile.

I lied. And that actually hurts. But then again, it just proves that i am alive and i can still feel something. I'm not totally dead inside. Well, at least, not yet. Not today.

He kissed my hand. I stopped him. He asked me about Bali. I said no. He asked me if he could bring me out on a date tomorrow, I said no. At this moment, I no longer wanted him to do anything with me or for me. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stack up the bricks and hide behind the fortress that I took so long to build up. There's nothing out there for me anymore. It is probably safer inside.

So, here I am, sitting alone in my car at 1.05am writing this post. I guess all things come to an inevitable end. This things died even before anyone knew about it. Well, I guess it is better this way. At least I don't have to deal with sympathy from friends.

On a side note, I think the multi-storey car park is too bright. The lights make it so bright and harsh. I just want to hide here in my car and listen to music but it's so irritatingly bright.

Fuck you people. Fuck you.

I had enough.