Just got back from visiting my mum at the hospital. Met Byran (Sister's fren.aka.long time family fren) and had a little chat with him about the current family situation. He told me that my sister is suffering from depression because her bf wanted to leave her and she wasn't happy with her job and what happened to mum and dad had a negative impact on her. He felt that she was in a very bad state and asked me if I could talk to her.
For those who are not familiar with my family situation, I am not on talking terms with the rest of the family. For most part of the day, I like to pretend I don't have one.
It's not that I'm really cold and unfeeling. Its not that I don't feel anything for them. Its not that I do not care about them at all. But there's only one me vs the 3 of them.
Me Vs 3 people
That is excluding work stuff, friends and other misc people.
I feel drained.
There's only so much I can help. If they do not want to help themselves, there's really nothing I can do or say. I tried helping Dad but he thinks I'm a whore. I cant take care of Mum cause she's too busy with her work. Sis is not open to the things I say because she is not receptive to my communication style.
Everyone has a problem.
But there's only one me.
Why cant they deal with it the healthy way normal people do, like eating, shopping, smoking or drinking?
Why do they have to choose the one addiction that is the most dangerous of all?
Depression.Depressed people like to be depressed. They like wallowing in self denial and pitying. They are happy being sad. Its difficult to yank people out of it. People suffering from depression has to WANT to change. It has to be something that comes from within. Like Dad and Sister who are too stubborn to listen to others, its very hard to make them change their minds. There's really no point saying anything or doing anything unless they WANT to change.
Everyone goes through depression in their lives. Its not a pleasant thing. I tried killing myself so many times that I've given up hope on dying. I'm not particularly keen on living but its so tiring trying to die all the time so I thought I might as well give life one last shot.
I dunno how long I can take everything. The other day, I got so fed up with things going wrong at work and at life, I cried at work. Me, crying at work! Can you believe that?
I'm such a disgrace to myself.
Showing emotions in public is NOT my thing.
I don't do crying scenes.
I let myself induldge in 5 minutes of crying before I decided that I cannot let these get me down. Nothing gets me down. Yes, and I mean every word that I say (or rather type).
True, there are times when I wished for a Knight in shining armour to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from all these. But in reality, don't you see how
twisted this fairy tale is? *raise eyebrow*
A relationship has to be built on 2 people, both giving and taking. If one party takes all the time while the other gives, it is not going to last. Its true you must be able to depend on the person emtionally. But then again, there is only so much he/she can give emotionally. When drained, he/she will leave. That's the
cruel truth. No one told me this and look what happened to all my relationships. They all ran away from me because I was emotionally needy and it drained them.
This is the reason why I'm so afraid of getting into a relationship.
Despite how tempting it is to run to the next most available guy to seek comfort in his arms/home/family, I stopped myself from doing that because I know I have
nothing to give him in return. He cant depend on me emotionally because I'm maxed out, both at work and at home. I don't think I'll be a good gf.
According to some (by some I mean myself), I'm not an ideal candidate for a the position of GF for the few simple reasons below:
1) I do not come from a local Uni or some Ivy league Uni.
2) I do not have big boobs/pretty face/looooooong legs that stretches up to my neck.
3) My dad and mum are not a lawyer/doctor/civil servant/clerk etc.
4) My family history is too complicated.
5) Mental illnesses such as insanity and depression runs in the family genes, hence not good for reproduction.
6) I tend to be overly critical and too rational/logical.
7) I'm not the cutesy type. Kawaii is not a verb that is associate with me.
8) I take pride in being able to fight/talk/behave like a guy.
9) I have nothing to give.
10) I have nothing to give.
Because I have too much good sense in me, I chose the next better solution, which is to induldge myself in harmless flirtation with people whom I know are not looking for emotional comfort.
Hey, don't be too quick to judge. A gal has to eat too.
In fact, most of the guys I know are not capable/dependable enough to handle the complex situation I'm in.
For example, the other day when Mum was admitted to the hospital, I asked Desmond if he could acc me to the hospital because it was late and I didn't want to go alone. He couldn't handle it. He freaked out and has since avoided me. 5 days and counting. I'm not mad at him. He's just a little boy. His dick head capacity is most prob bigger than his other head.
Kong couldn't acc me because he
HAD TO watch World Cup. Yes. That cup is more important than people ard you. That cup will cook and clean for you. That cup will help you in your career. That fucking cup will have sex with you and tell you how awesome you are in bed even thought you took longer than the entire game (plus injury time and penalty) to
GET IT UP.Yes, I have a problem with World Cup season.
It irritates the shit out of me because things are not getting done fast enough, my candidates have to watch WC and are unable to start work, my neighbours scream and shout late into the night. Fortunately for me and the rest of the females, it happens once every 4 years. So I only have to deal with it once every 4 years.
The person who set the 4 years cycle thing should be awarded a Nobel prize.
Guys are so unreliable.
Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.
realise, you lose the ticket/bought for wrong date/you only found out one year later that you won.