Nothing really matters.

Lately it seems, I have withdrawn very much into a world of my own. I haven been talking to anyone. Not mum. Not sis. Not dad. Been thinking alot about how I feel and what I want..

I feel happy being alone. Not communicating with anyone. Not telling anyone how I feel or what I feel. I don't feel like explaining to anyone why and what I feel. Neither do I want to hear about what are they feeling. I don't expect them to be responsible for my feelings. I'm not responsible for them emotionally either.

I just want to live in my own world.

Alone and happy.

Stan yeo asked me about my situation the other day. I got irritated when he said "Poor Gal.." I don't need people to feel sorry for me because its not my fault that I'm in such a situation. Why do I have to feel sorry for myself?

This is totally absurd.

Its my birthday in two weeks time. I'm thinking of disappearing for awhile. Just to get away from everyone. I want to go somewhere that no one will find me. Actually, I thought of killing myself on my birthday. What a romantic thought. Ending my life on the day it started 22 years ago. Hmm.. I don't know.

Maybe I'm not ready yet.

Been thinking too much. Strange thoughts flow in and out of my mind. Am thinking of the possibility of checking myself into the mental hospital for a while. No reason why i want to do it. There's no reason for alot of things that I do. Like why I cant be nice to the guy I like? Why I always push them away now? Saying things that I don't mean or things that I know will hurt them.. There's no reason why I do it.

Stop analyzing me.

I'm not that different from you.

Been thinking of turning lesbian again. Yet again, I'm sexually confused. I find myself attracted to other girls on the streets. Imagining myself kissing them. Hmm.. Maybe I should be lesbian this year. It seems to me that true love exists only in the gay community. Like the other night, I was at a gay bar with Peow. Love was definately in the air. Maybe straight love has become closeted and Gay love is the real thing!?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that true love doesn't exist in the straight world. But i'm just saying its much easier to find love in the gay community. And I just don't believe it will ever happen to me again. Not if I can help it. I don't feel that I have anything to give anyone anymore. I don't feel that its fair for anyone to love me. An empty shell without a soul. Sure, I'm in love with everyone. I just don't love or belong to anyone in particular.

Starting smoking and drinking every night again. Gosh. I know its bad. But at least they calm me down abit after a day's work. I'm afraid if i give them up, I'll turn to something even more abusive. Something like extensive tattoos.. Haiz.

I don't know.

I don't want to think.