To the Moon and Back

All time fave. Kinda like what I'm feeling right now. *sighs*

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one


They're saying, "Mamma never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch""
That's why she shies away from human affection"


But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bag for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him...


I would fly you to the moon and back if you'll be
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?


She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color-blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined


She's saying, "Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"


So baby's gonna take a drive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging all her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream...


I would fly you to the moon and back if you'll be,
If you'll be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?


Mamma never loved her much
And Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection


But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bag for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him...


I would fly you to the moon and back if you'll be,
If you'll be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

Alpha Female

A little birdie told me at work today that I'm an "Alpha female" type of gal. Am I really that kind of gal?

*tIng raises her eyebrow.*

I wanted to tell the little birdie that he was so wrong about me but I held my tongue. I guess my behaviour at work does shows that I'm pretty "agressive & demanding". But that's because I don't want to show the "gentle" side of me, for the fear of letting people know I can be vulnerable.

I believe that how Don feels as well. We both feel that we need to be stronger on the surface so that people will not take advantage of us. So strong on the outside that people may think we are cold, unfeeling and aloof and we do not need others to shower us with care. They most prob never guessed that we are the ones who hide secretly in our beds, crying ourselves to sleep.

We are much more fragile than what we appear to be.

*tIng shrugs.*

I guess its because we find it hard to trust other people, be it friends or colleagues. We don't let people into our hearts easily. I don't think I'll fall in love anyone as easily as before. Sure I do have people whom I find attractive and cute, but they are also the people I avoid. I'm terrible at this. Like the situation with Denys, I cant bring myself to even talk to him or sit beside him. Instead of trying to talking to him, I stood aside and talked to Felix all night. Its amazing how I can have perfect conversations with guys I'm not the least bit interested in.

Yes, I'm that shy.

It sucks.

Its incurable.

I'll most prob die alone.

A fact that I must admit IS pretty scary.

I've always felt that I'm never good enough. Am I enough for that someone? I'm not particularly smart or pretty. I'm only me. Is that enough? Maybe I should just win them over with my personality? Then again, I'm quite a freak. So I guess I'm a gone case?!!

*tIng sighs.*

I shall try NOT to snub the guys I like. =(

Maybe I should head straight to lesbian ville instead.

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

Loneliness

People drain me, even the closest of friends,
and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.

Margaret Cho

There's nothing bad about being lonely... Really.. Have the feeling I might be coming down with something. Throats hurts like hell.. feels like someone stuffed 2 tennis balls down my throat.. Nose and ears are blocked so whenever someone speaks, I'll go like, "HUH!!?? You were saying?"

This sucks.

Till I get better and less grouchy.... I'm off to bed. =(

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

Unusually Long Post: Read at Your Own Risk

At last! Acceptable internet connection speed to allow me to blog freely again.


*tIng wipes sweat off her Linksys wireless Network adaptor.*


Spent the whole of last week celebrating my birthday, starting from:


- Birthday dinner on Tuesday night
- Birthday team lunch on Wed & clubbing @ Zouk
- Dinner again on Thurs
- Chalet on Friday night
- Birthday tea party on Sat night with Daf & Candice
- Movie and dinner with Em


No one understands why I NEED to celebrate my birthday over an extended period of time. I cant explain why too. Maybe to them I'm just a self-loving freak who wants to prove to everyone I exist. Maybe its because I've been ignored and rejected by so many people before me thats why I need to prove that I actually exist. Maybe its because I need to be distracted from how sad I actually feel about my birthday.


Birthdays should be happy events where everyone celebrates your existence in the world. However, for the last 2 years, I've never really felt happy. Last year, my family was evicted, we had no place to stay and had to put up at my Aunt's place. This year, I have a very nice place to stay but my family fell apart. Both happening just a couple of days before my birthday.

Seriously, I cant decide which year was worst.

Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Happy birthday to me again! And thank you everyone for the presents and well wishes. I hope what you guys said are true. I want to believe that it'll all get better from now on.

I want to be happy. That's my birthday wish.

That's not too much to ask for, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Been reading the book "Capote: A biography" by Gerald Clarke. I love the line that goes:

"Like ivy on the wall, love must fall."

Isn't it true how we know that we cannot love someone anymore and we must let them go? Don't ask me who am i talking about. But I know I have to let him go. I know we are not meant to be. I don't even want to try to fight for him or try to win him over. I know for a fact that if I do so, I may lose interest in him after getting him. Its not about loving him, its about winning him over from another person.

I'll be a nice, for once, and keep my hands off other people's property.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kinda miss Don right now.. He's away for another business trip to Korea and the States. Wonder what he'll get for me this time? He knows I love presents and it doesn't have to be an expensive one. I just love to be surprised! Last trip, he bought me a bottle of Hugo boss "Intense" and its wonderful. Loved it. Absolutely.

I've come to believe Don and I are just the male/female version of each other. Broken families, arrogant, cynical and hates most people, too direct for our own good.. He tells me that I'm a negative person. But I think that he's the more negative one. We have this love-hate relationship.

I love to hate him. He hates to love me.

Tells him to fuck off everytime I see/talk/msn/sms him. But yet, he never fails to tell me to be good when he's not around, buys me presents, invite me over to his oh-so-fucking-wonderful-looks-like-its-from-a-magazine apartment and not forgetting, drives me home too.

Sounds perfect right?

But here's the catch, he's not available. Emotionally.

Why are all the guys I meet recently emotionally unavailable? Like that episode in Sex and the City:


Carrie: Whats the point of meeting somebody if they are not available?


Charlotte: Its the universe telling you they are out there!


Miranda: Or its the universe telling you all the good ones are taken.


*tIng shakes her head in despair.*


Yup. All the good ones are taken. The good genes will mix with the good genes and the bad people will mate with the bad people. This is SO in line with the Singapore's SDU strategy.

There's no hope for the human race.

If I ever have a kid of my own, I'll most likely tell him/her, "Hey kid, its a rough life out there. Hold on tight and remember to bring along your hopes. You'll love to hate it. "

I wished that someone would had told me that earlier.

Why Not?

Been clubbing at the Why Not every other week lately.. For those who don't know, Why Not is actually quite a famous AJ Bar.aka.Gay Bar around Tanjong Pagar area. Other than the fact that D works there, there are other reasons why I like the place and here they go:

1) I find safety and comfort at the bar because I know for a fact that no men will be interested in me or try to bring me home.
2) I can have perfectly harmless body2body dancing with all the men without giving them the wrong idea. Seriously, I've never been "sandwiched" by so many men before. Its absolutely scandalous!
3) The men are H.O.T. They have fantastic bodies and moves I've never seen!
4) Nice tranny shows. The MC is definately my kinda of guy... or rather.. my kinda of gal?!
5) Cheap entry! Even though I was kinda pissed that I have to pay $13 to get into a club where I know for sure that I'll go home alone. Still, its better than getting pick-up by some UGLY freak at Zouk./DlbO/MOS etc.
6) I think I kinda had enough of straight men. Straight love has become closeted. True love is so free in the gay community.. you'll think you are in the UN.
7) Friendly people. There's definately less discrimination and anger in the gay community. Everyone LOVES everyone.
8) I've had enough to trying to look pretty and "cool". I just wanna have fun.
9) I dunno what else to say.. I'm sexually confused?! I might turn lesbian and fall in love with a gay man. You know what I mean.

There's so many reasons why I like AJ bars than straight clubs. People find it strange that I choose to mix around with AJs rather than "normal" people. I dislike the word "normal". Its being used too loosely and people tend to abuse it. Just because we are different or our way of life is different doesn't necessary mean we are abnormal.

Everyone is a freak in their own way.

Skeleton in the closets.

Who am I to judge?

I don't see gay people as any different from straight people. I prefer to look beyond gender and see it as two people in love. Its all about the state of mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kong called me the other day and asked me out for a movie, which he immediately called back half an hour later to cancel it. Apparently, his sister's bf had an accident so he's going to use the car this weekend. He asked if I mind traveling around in cabs or bus. I don't mind that. But I just don't feel like being so "available" to him anymore. I hate it when he takes me for granted.

I hate it when everyone takes me for granted.

Friends. Family. Just because I'm always around doesn't mean I'll be here forever. Who knows I might just decide to kill myself tomorrow at work? Who's going to do the laundry? Feed the dogs? Clean the house?

Feeling demented. Mood and behaviour is unpredictable. Like the other night, I felt like having dinner alone. So I bought 2 magazines and got myself a table at Billy bombers. I don't think why I shouldn't have a good dinner just because I'm eating alone. Tje waitress at Billy's refused to let me have one of those nice sofa seats even though there were like at least 20 empty seats around because "they are reserved for party of 2 at least".

I hate it when they discriminate against singles.

Just because we are single means we don't deserve the same service?

Got irritated by that fact but instead of flaring up, I told the waitress nicely that I needed to speak to the Manager, whom immediately offered me the seat I wanted. *shrugs* What can I say?

A single gal gotta take care of herself.

Spent the next 2 hours, eating and tearing through my 2 magazines. Feeling satisfied, I left them a small tip. I always tip. Its not that I think its showy to tip. But I appreciate them giving me the seat I wanted so I tipped them. Its not much but I think its a nice gesture. Come to think of it, Kong was the only guy who tipped service staff when we go out. *shrugs*

After that, I went home and dyed my hair red. No reason. Just did it cause I felt like it. That's the thing with me. I do things on the notion that I feel like doing it. No one can tell me what I should do or should not do. I know for a fact that I will not listen to anyone. Like in the past, there were times when I was shopping alone, the next moment you'll find me in a jewellery shop, piercing my ears. *shurgs* I might go for a Playboy bunny tattoo next. I don't know when. Maybe when I feel like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its my birthday next week. Don't intend to celebrate it in a RaRa mananer but just going to Zouk on Wed with some close friends. Also, I've booked a chalet for the weekend. Think its about time i disappear for awhile.

I wonder if people notice when I'm gone.

Love me when I'm gone.

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

我就是永远不会倒

这生命对每个人

都不公平也没道理

只能扑向泥泞迎向

那阵骤雨由不得你

突来的骤雨这条街一路泥泞

就像人生不过是一场即兴

整个世界正在对我们挑衅

就算如此还是得无惧前进

手中的邮报封面的人在微笑

下个路口生命在暗巷尖叫

活着只是油墨上面的一角

明天之后还有谁翻阅的的到

我跟你用不同方式

踩过前方带刺荆

棘你嚣张不畏惧退缩

我低头沉默却坚定

用力的还击发出声音

让他们安静不敢相信

继续前进他们畏惧睁大眼睛

他们躲避难道放弃

专心聆听我的声音

这生命对每个人

都不公平也没道理

只能扑向泥泞迎向

那阵骤雨由不得你

如果生命对每个人

都不公平也没道理

那就让我带着孤寂

继续前进直到光明

继续前进

我只有一种容貌我就是永远不会倒

我就算逆境环绕我面对也要带着笑

我只有一种咆哮

我要让他们都知道

我生命再怎么粗糙

我都要活的很骄傲

我说自尊那看起来或许可笑

但它至少支着我,试着不让我颠倒

活着如果只是不甘寂静的喧嚣

那就咆哮吧让每个人都听得到

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

Nothing really matters.

Lately it seems, I have withdrawn very much into a world of my own. I haven been talking to anyone. Not mum. Not sis. Not dad. Been thinking alot about how I feel and what I want..

I feel happy being alone. Not communicating with anyone. Not telling anyone how I feel or what I feel. I don't feel like explaining to anyone why and what I feel. Neither do I want to hear about what are they feeling. I don't expect them to be responsible for my feelings. I'm not responsible for them emotionally either.

I just want to live in my own world.

Alone and happy.

Stan yeo asked me about my situation the other day. I got irritated when he said "Poor Gal.." I don't need people to feel sorry for me because its not my fault that I'm in such a situation. Why do I have to feel sorry for myself?

This is totally absurd.

Its my birthday in two weeks time. I'm thinking of disappearing for awhile. Just to get away from everyone. I want to go somewhere that no one will find me. Actually, I thought of killing myself on my birthday. What a romantic thought. Ending my life on the day it started 22 years ago. Hmm.. I don't know.

Maybe I'm not ready yet.

Been thinking too much. Strange thoughts flow in and out of my mind. Am thinking of the possibility of checking myself into the mental hospital for a while. No reason why i want to do it. There's no reason for alot of things that I do. Like why I cant be nice to the guy I like? Why I always push them away now? Saying things that I don't mean or things that I know will hurt them.. There's no reason why I do it.

Stop analyzing me.

I'm not that different from you.

Been thinking of turning lesbian again. Yet again, I'm sexually confused. I find myself attracted to other girls on the streets. Imagining myself kissing them. Hmm.. Maybe I should be lesbian this year. It seems to me that true love exists only in the gay community. Like the other night, I was at a gay bar with Peow. Love was definately in the air. Maybe straight love has become closeted and Gay love is the real thing!?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that true love doesn't exist in the straight world. But i'm just saying its much easier to find love in the gay community. And I just don't believe it will ever happen to me again. Not if I can help it. I don't feel that I have anything to give anyone anymore. I don't feel that its fair for anyone to love me. An empty shell without a soul. Sure, I'm in love with everyone. I just don't love or belong to anyone in particular.

Starting smoking and drinking every night again. Gosh. I know its bad. But at least they calm me down abit after a day's work. I'm afraid if i give them up, I'll turn to something even more abusive. Something like extensive tattoos.. Haiz.

I don't know.

I don't want to think.