Faithless.Lost.Numb.Darkness.

As I sit down and type this post, I don't know how much longer I will last. After months of struggling and family emotional drama, I'm not sure why and what I am still fighting. It seems to me that everyone has already given up.

Mum moved out to Aunt's place, Sis is staying over alot at her bf's place and Dad doesn't come home till late at night.

I'm the only one left.

I've never felt so unwanted.

The silence in the house is so loud. I don't think I can take it anymore. Day after day of facing the same 4 walls.

Cold. Empty. Nothing.

I've always thought if I tried hard enough and work hard enough, everything will change eventually. I thought things will be ok. I'm so wrong.

Broke down again yesterday night in my room. Crying uncontrollably. Thoughts that I thought I've buried deep inside me resurfaced again. Scary thoughts about death and killing my dad.

Yes.

Killing my dad.

I've thought about it. Thought about taking a knife and stabbing him in his sleep. Am I very evil for wanting to do so? Or am I just crazy? It scares me how calm I am when I'm thinking about it. Picturing it in my head.

I keep hearing the voice in me. Screaming out loud for help but no sound came out. Its telling me to just do it and after that, kill myself too. I've already thought about the letter to my family, or rather whats left of them. Home is no longer a safe place to be in. There's nowhere safe to be in.

Its not safe to be alone with my thoughts now.

All the angry thoughts. I don't want to hurt myself again. I really cannot be alone right now. I don't know what I will do. I cant be alone. Everything in me hurts.

So painful. So numb. So tired of fighting.

I don't know if I can keep this monster inside myself anymore.

I want to give up.

Please don't feel sorry for me.

loVe iS a deLuSiOn tHat OnE mAn dIffErs fRoM aNotHer.




m i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.