11.43 am

This morning, at work, i received a phone call that i wished would never come. Mum called and told me that Grandma was in critical condition. I blanked after hearing the news. My only thought was to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

On my way to the hospital, i msged K and Danny, telling them what has happened. I couldn't control myself. Tears came to my eyes. I was afraid. I was scared that my Grandma would die before i reach the hospital. I prayed hard that i could see her one last time.

When i reached the hospital, i ran to the ward as fast as i could. Upon reaching the room, i saw nothing but an empty bed. My heart stopped for a moment. I was so afraid that my Grandma had die. I looked around before finally finding all my family members in another smaller ward where my Grandma was.

I looked at my Grandma, tried my best to hold back my tears. I called out to her loudly but she didn't open her eyes. I held her hands. They were cold. She was gasping for air. Grandma wanted to go home. Frantically, we made arrangements for the ambulance to send her home, while the rest of the family made their way there.

When I reached my Grandma's place, she was lying on the bed, motionless. She looked ghastly pale. Her eyes were tightly closed. I knelt beside her bed and stroked her arm. No matter how hard i rubbed her hands, they remained cold. But i kept doing it anyway. I knew there was nothing i could do to help her. I knew she would be leaving me any moment. As i blinked away my tears, i prayed that she would be at peace.

By that time, most of the family had arrived so i stood up and walked to the outside of the room. I watched from the door. Dad and Aunt were talking to Grandma, telling her that she's home and everyone is here. Mum praying. I waited. Waited for my Grandma to die. This feeling of helplessness was unbearable.

I sat outside the door and i saw the past flowing back into me. I remember myself as a little girl, running down the stairs to the kitchen, calling out to my Grandma. I remember spending many afternoons sitting on a little stool in the kitchen, while my Grandma fed me with sugarcane bits. We had sugarcanes and guavas in our backyard. Grandma used to pluck them for my sister and I whenever she was free.

I felt the breeze swept pass me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe.

It came.

The feeling that i've been searching for so long. The feeling of peace. I felt nothing. No desire. No fear. No happiness. No sadness. I felt empty. And maybe only Death brings me the peace i longed for.

*tIng signs.*

Grandma passed away at 11.43am today.

She was at peace.

I thanked Heaven that she was not in pain anymore. I am very grateful that i saw her and held her hands before she died.

Don't check back. I think i wun be blogging for awhile.