I feel like crying.

Am feeling very uneasy right now. Left eyebrow is twitching again.. Feeling that something bad is going to happen. Feeling scared and worried about tomolo's funeral. Its going to be very hard.

Somehow, i don't feel that my Grandma has left me. I stood beside her coffin and looked at her. I called out to her many times. I talked to her as though she's just asleep. Deep within me, i was hoping that if i stood there long enough, she's going to open her eyes and talk to me again.

I feel like crying.

Deep breaths.

Breathe.

Blink.

Stop.

I wish tomolo will never come.

At least I still have Hope

Have been thinking alot about life lately.. For the past 4 months, i've seen 3 deaths in my family. Thought about what living meant to me and what it is to be dead. Could not help but wonder if i'm just living day by day and with nothing to forward to.

I don't want to die but i ain't keen on living either.

My fave line from the song "Feel" by Robbie Williams. Don't really feel the need to carry on. Don't really feel anything.

No lust for life.

Spent the whole life running away.. Not from anyone but Me. Have decided I don't want to run away from my past anyway. Nevertheless, they are still a part of me, making me who i am today.

I'm tired.

I feel drained.

I hope for the year to end quickly. I hope for a better New Year.

At least i still have hope.

11.43 am

This morning, at work, i received a phone call that i wished would never come. Mum called and told me that Grandma was in critical condition. I blanked after hearing the news. My only thought was to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

On my way to the hospital, i msged K and Danny, telling them what has happened. I couldn't control myself. Tears came to my eyes. I was afraid. I was scared that my Grandma would die before i reach the hospital. I prayed hard that i could see her one last time.

When i reached the hospital, i ran to the ward as fast as i could. Upon reaching the room, i saw nothing but an empty bed. My heart stopped for a moment. I was so afraid that my Grandma had die. I looked around before finally finding all my family members in another smaller ward where my Grandma was.

I looked at my Grandma, tried my best to hold back my tears. I called out to her loudly but she didn't open her eyes. I held her hands. They were cold. She was gasping for air. Grandma wanted to go home. Frantically, we made arrangements for the ambulance to send her home, while the rest of the family made their way there.

When I reached my Grandma's place, she was lying on the bed, motionless. She looked ghastly pale. Her eyes were tightly closed. I knelt beside her bed and stroked her arm. No matter how hard i rubbed her hands, they remained cold. But i kept doing it anyway. I knew there was nothing i could do to help her. I knew she would be leaving me any moment. As i blinked away my tears, i prayed that she would be at peace.

By that time, most of the family had arrived so i stood up and walked to the outside of the room. I watched from the door. Dad and Aunt were talking to Grandma, telling her that she's home and everyone is here. Mum praying. I waited. Waited for my Grandma to die. This feeling of helplessness was unbearable.

I sat outside the door and i saw the past flowing back into me. I remember myself as a little girl, running down the stairs to the kitchen, calling out to my Grandma. I remember spending many afternoons sitting on a little stool in the kitchen, while my Grandma fed me with sugarcane bits. We had sugarcanes and guavas in our backyard. Grandma used to pluck them for my sister and I whenever she was free.

I felt the breeze swept pass me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe.

It came.

The feeling that i've been searching for so long. The feeling of peace. I felt nothing. No desire. No fear. No happiness. No sadness. I felt empty. And maybe only Death brings me the peace i longed for.

*tIng signs.*

Grandma passed away at 11.43am today.

She was at peace.

I thanked Heaven that she was not in pain anymore. I am very grateful that i saw her and held her hands before she died.

Don't check back. I think i wun be blogging for awhile.

She's back!

She's back!

Like she promised me.

I love her.

I hope she still loves me.

LUSH

Monday night. Home after a long day of work (or what seems like work cause the mail server was down the whole day, i pratically did nothing). Cooking my dinner with the radio turned up to the max.

Nothing, i insist, beats cooking and listening to jazz.

Especially since i'm addicated to LUSH 99.5fm.

Sensual. Rich. Comtempoary. Blue. Urban. Sexy. Black. Purple. Sometimes pink. Heels. Smooth. Shivers down my spine.

I love it.

An Open Letter to My Grandma

Dear Ah ma,

As I sit and and start to write this letter, you are in the hospital, fighting for you life. This letter, one which you will never receive, contains my feelings and thoughts about our relationship. These are words that i'll never be able to say to you because i've never been able to master your language.

Everytime i walk into the ward, i see you lying on the hospital bed. The sight of your wrinkled face and sunken cheekbones scares me to death. I walk to the side of the bed, calling out to you softly. You open your eyes and stare at me for a moment. I'm not sure if you still recognise me. I'm not sure of what to say. I don't know how to make your pain go away. I don't dare to touch you, for the fear that i may hurt you more. I try my best to hold back my tears everytime i see you. All i can do is to stand next to you and watch you.

I hold your hands gently but you grasp mine tightly. I know that you know i'm here. It is a relief to feel you. I hear you gasping for air. It breaks my heart to see you like this. So helpless in a situation and i cannot do anything to ease your suffering. I think about those times in the past when you are full of life and energy. I remember those days when you used to go out all the time to visit your friends all over the island. But now, you are helpless.

I know they have signed the letter. I know they are prepared to let you go even thought i am not prepared at all. But i know i'll have to let you go because living in this world each day means another day of suffering for you. I know i cannot keep you here.

I want to let you know this, Grandma. I still love you. And i always will.

Your grand-daughter,
tIng

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

Bad things comes in Twos too.

I was on my way to work yesterday morning, dragging my sorry ass along the the streets of Orchard road, at 10am in the morning when i saw the person i least wanted to see on a Saturday morning.

Sorry. Correction. He is the person whom i hope i'll NEVER see his face again. I recognise him by the way he was holding his cigerette. His spiky hair and thick black frames specs. My heart skipped a beat, but obviously for a very different reason. I dashed ahead of him on the escalator, walking to the building, as fast as i could.

*tIng wipes beads of sweat off her forehead.*

After reaching the safety of my office, i cannot help but wonder why i ran in the first place. I didn't do anything wrong and he should in fact apologise for his behaviour. His unfaithfulness and his betrayal. I did feel angry at myself for running away. But i just wanted to avoid him. *shrugs* That's what i do after break-ups. I avoid places where i might run into my ex bfs. I associate things with them and refuse to touch them in hope that i could cut them off my life by doing so.

*tIng shrugs.*

After work, i met Huilin for an afternoon of shopping spree. I went to get my hair cut at Far east and we had lunch at one of the little restuarants. All was fine that afternoon. We bought one set of bikinis each and i bought a shell necklace. That was until i saw another person whom i try to avoid. I saw him standing, talking to his friends outside one of the shops. I nearly had a heart attack right there. I pulled Huilin by the arm and dragged her away, as fast as i could.

TWICE in a day?!! Maybe this is God's way of telling me that i should not be shopping and wasting money. *frowns*

Seriously, i hope i'll never have to see any of my exs again. Neither would i want them to stay in touch with me. That's why i choose to ignore msgs/posts/smses from them. I hope they get the hint.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saw this ad on the on the NewPaper the other day and it goes as follow:

"Prata shop urgently seeking Prata-man. To make Prata."

*tIng laughs upon reading this ad.*

Seriously, this has gotta be the shortest, most powerful ad. If the ad is done by me of any of my friends RE, it'll most likely look like this:

Job Requirements:
- At least PSLE or any other certifications in cooking
- At least 1 year experience in F & B industry
- Able to work in stressful and greasy environment
- Customer-oriented
- Good communication skills and memory would be an added advantage

Interested candidates, please walk in for an interview at ABC Coffeeshop, from Monday to Wednesday (9am to 5pm)

*tIng laughs.*

Ok. Enough of my nonsense. Am going to just slack around before heading to the hospital to visit my grandma.

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

Love : A battlefield or just some Chemicals in my Brain?

Its 8.14pm on a Thursday night. Has been a pretty rough week for me.. Lots of problems at work and at home.. My eyebrow kept twitching today and i knew for sure it was a bad sign. True enough, my grandma was admitted to the hospital again.

As if matters cant get any worse, my candidates either rejected the job offer or refused to pick up the calls.

*tIng feels like banging her balls but realises that she doesn't have any.*

I'm just going to blog about the random thoughts that have been swimming in my head. If i don't make sense to you, don't worry. You are perfectly normal.

Thought #1
Everytime i pass the BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG Christmas tree at Taka foyer, i wonder what will happen if the little light bulbs just fuse. Imagine the whole fucking tree burning in bright orange flames! I'll like to see that! I'm sure it'll be a fantastic view!

I hope i don't sound disturbed to you cause i'm really not. Sometime, maybe i'm abit crazy but i assure you i'm quite normal most of the time.

Thought #2
I was listening to my Savage Garden CD this morning when the following phrase caught my attention.

Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain

And feelings of aggressions are the absence of the love drug in your veins

I believe my emotions are nothing but chemical reactions in my brains. That's why i choose to block out any form/signs of possible love interests. Maybe this explains my feelings of aggressions? Anyway, i choose to block them out for very selfish reasons. I don't want to go through emotional drama.aka.Hell again. Also, since A is close to 30 years old, i don't want to complicate things. Yes, i have a new target and its A.

But i know for sure I don't quite like A. May be its more of a conquest to me than a love interest. Since i've always find older men fascinating, maybe that's why i'm attracted to A. I think the following paragraph describes my feelings quite accurately.

"The real reason Oswald had refused to get married was simply that he had never in his life been able to confine his attention to one particular woman for longer than the time it took to conquer her. When that was done, he lost interest and looked around for another victim."

-Switch Bitch, Roald Dahl

Maybe its because he's unattainable which keeps me interested in him. Maybe its because he drives a convertible. Maybe its because he's not my type. Maybe its because my sole aim is to win him over. Maybe its because i'm bored with no toys to play with.

Right now, i'm losing interest in him already. Should i or should i not continue? I have a feeling even if i did win the conquest, i'll still lose the battle. *shrugs*

Shall not think about it now.. I'll meet the boys for dinner and i'll think about it later.

Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.

Thoughts

Faint smell of cigerettes in the air. Sun setting at the far away horizon. Sky turning from red to dark purple. Sea breeze blowing. Legs hanging over the railing. Wine glass in my hand. Deep breath. Stare at the boat lights.

Yet, peace did not come to me.

A troubled soul.

Disturbed mind.

I wish that sleep will come to take it all way.