A Long Boring Post

Was looking at my own blog trying to decide whether i should at a stat counter.. Finally i've decided not to put it up cause i don't want to know who reads my blog nor do i want to know how many ppl read my blog.

Its not a popularity contest. Many bloggers use sexy photos or sex stories to "sell" their blog. For a period of time, blogs were about who has the most sensational stories or photos. I like to take sexy photes of myself. But lately, i've been trying to lay low. Not wanting too much attention from friends, family, ex-bfs and strangers. I'm keeping myself away from everyone it seems. Building a wall again? I don't think so. More like filtering out unnecessary potential people who might harm me.

I don't really cares who reads my blog. As i've mentioned before and i shall say it again for one last time, my blog only reflects a very little portion of me. The portion that words can be used to describe me. I can say today i'm funny. But you'll really have to spend time and talk to me to find my jokes funny. Or rather, there are certain issues i feel strongly about that i don't think its wise to discuss in my blog. Talk to me and you'll know i have thoughts/views. Talk to me to know me.

Trust me. Blogs are not reflective of me as a person.

Opps.. I seem to have side-tracked abit here. Anyway, the boys are coming over for steamboat later but we have not prepared anything! Gosh.. I should start preparing. My mum told me to clear my room since they are coming over, which i am NOT going to cause i don't give a damm what they thinks and knowing them for so long they don't give a damm about how my room looks. Hahah.

I feel abit strange. I find myself picturing how my cousin died over and over again in my mind. I must stress that we are not very close to my cousin. But the way he killed himself just keep popping up inside my head. The images of him lying on the bed, lifeless with his head covered with plastic bags. *shivers* I can imagine him gasping for air during the last few minutes of his life.

I'm never comfortable dealing with deaths. Even watching them in movies throws me off. I try to avoid war films cause personally i cannot handle the emotions or see death happening right in front of me. Last time i tried to watch "Brotherhood", i had to leave halfway cause i cant take it. Its not the bloody images nor was it the bombings. It was more of the fact that people are capable of doing such terrible acts to their own kind. And people die from their selfish acts. It really scares me.

I may appear unfeeling at times but i feel things that i don't say them out. I know i'm more sensitive than others but yet i try to keep that side away from most people. I don't want to appear weak. So only a few people have seen/heard me cry. I guess is only Danny and Kit lately. And i'm sort of trying to push Kit away cause i don't want to start things all over again. It was my mistake in the past and i do not wish to repeat that. It was my conquest, gone wrong. But anyway, i'm putting Danny on my speed dial now. I know he'll understand me. We both have a problem with rage. The fact that he threw a rubbish bin into the sea just to vent his anger shows that we are the same kind of people. He does it to things around me and i do stuff mainly to myself. *shrugs* But seriously, we tamed down alot. Things were worse a few years back. He used to go for tattoos every time he felt hurt by his gf and i hurt myself everytime someone hurts me. It takes alot to overcome this. And there are people who judge our behaviour out there. Its hard to find friends who you know will not judge the things you do.

I love my boys. I really do.


Am i all alone in this universe?
There's no love on these streets.
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.